Timezones and other constraints conspired to prevent me from watching yesterday’s State of the Union address, so today I downloaded a CBS broadcast of the event. Now I will watch and blog:
(0:00) CBS got Morgan Freeman to do the introductory voice-over, I wonder where that places in his chain of command.
(0:01) The parade of the bureaucrats is underway!
(0:01) Hey, there’s Janet Napolitano, the Homeland Security Secretary. I love her ice cream.
(0:01) And it’s the always boxy Rahm Emmanuel; if my German and Bible classes aren’t failing me, his name means “Frame God with Us.”
(0:02) Michelle Obama towers over the wee police officers beside her. Can’t wait to find out what politically useful act of heroism they performed!
(0:06) Madame Speaker, the people’s highest ranking public servant!
(0:07) I wonder how they decide the order of who trails Obama. I like to think it’s shirtless boxing, Marquess of Queensberry style.
(0:08) After many handshakes, Obama goes in for several hugs like the teddy bear he is.
(0:10) Ahhh, the traditional handing off to Joe Biden of the manila folder containing compromising photos of the VP. Stay in line, Joe!
(0:12) Obama informs us of the history of the SOTU. But did you know that for most of the presidency, a report was submitted to Congress with no speech? I did, because I once wrote a sixth-grade history report on Woodrow Wilson.
(0:13) One in ten Americans can’t find a job? Is this the beginning of the rumored reversal of America’s depraved child labor laws!?!
(0:14) Obama finds it especially hard to read the letters from children, perhaps because they’re scrawled in crayon and rife with spelling errors.
(0:16) Americans share everything, from a desire to find a job that pays the bills to giving their children a better life. Legos, too. And Lincoln Logs.
(0:17) Obama has hope for America; the Democrats immediately stand and applaud while the Republicans sit for a few seconds longer to consider whether this position is congruous with conservatism.
(0:17) Biden anticipates a brief clap just a few seconds too early and flashes his weird sideways smile.
(0:18) The bank bailouts were “about as popular as a root canal.” Once again, Obama shows no tact with the dental lobby.
(0:20) Terror: George W. Bush :: Banking : Obama
(0:22) Obama cites an unknowable counter-factual as truth.
(0:23) Obama cites the success of a window manufacturer as evidence of the success of the stimulus. Somewhere far away, Frédéric Bastiat breaks a window.
(0:25) Man, how can Obama list all these small towns off the cuff like that!
(0:27) And you get a tax break! And you get a tax break! Oh boy, is there something taped underneath the seats? EEEEEE!!!!
(0:28) There’s no reason Europe or China should have faster trains, or cooler factories, or older buildings, or more beautiful women…
(0:28) Obama says it time to stop shipping jobs overseas to poorer people who make products Americans value for cheaper. Hip hip, hooray!
(0:32) I’m not sure what the competition is, but I’m now assured we’re not content with second place.
(0:35) The chamber is one big nuclear family.
(0:37) Clean energy is such a ginormous investment opportunity that whoever leads it will lead the global economy. This is why we must lure people into it with tax dollars or otherwise they won’t invest. Get it?
(0:39) In lieu of snark, I’ll let 1994 Paul Krugman explain why talking about economic policy in terms of national competitiveness is silly.
(0:40) Best anti-poverty measure is an education? Looks like someone’s never played Power Ball.
(0:43) Obama calls houses an investment, which is true if one takes a generalist view where autumn leaves could be considered a salad.
(0:45) Michelle Obama gets a standing ovation for “starting a national movement.”
(0:50) Yep, the American government is just like any ol’ American household. It has to stick to a budget, otherwise it’ll have to print money or collect it from others by dispatching people with guns.
(0:58) With his view of corporations and free speech, Obama clearly takes a Platonic view of rhetoric. Yep.
(1:10) “We will bring 44 nations together to secure all nuclear material within fours years so that they never fall into the hands or underpants of terrorists.”
(1:12) As Obama announces his plan to reverse the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, the generals sit rigid, hands clutched near their crotches.
(1:14) Obama will support equal pay for women, and will provide paternity leave to men as they carry their mutant babies to term.
(1:16) Obama invokes George Michael (the singer, not the Bluth).
(1:16) “Democracy in a country of 300 million people can be noisy, and messy, and complicated, and frankly, it sucks!”
(1:19) Sadly, it’s now widely reported that the $8 a boy gave Obama to give to Haiti was instead spent on a Hatian corn pudding snack for the President.
(1:20) And now that God has been asked to bless us and America (just to be safe), the SOTU has ended, the fifth longest in 40-odd years.
And with that, I’m exhausted. Good night!
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